Saturday, May 19, 2012
My New Old Boss
My boss Mitch fired me last week. What he didn't know was that my family had a long tradition of exacting certain magic spells onto our enemies and friends alike. Most of the time I used my magic for good, trying to make a better world. I would make spells to mend friendships, make people more attractive if I felt they really deserved it. I would sometimes even help people after bad breakups to help them forget how bad they felt. In other words, everyone at work liked me without really knowing why. People feel good around me.
The exception was Mitch. Mitch was head of my department and had long given me a hard time, even promoting far less qualified people ahead of me. The office didn't like him all that much but I was his least favorite. Mainly because I'm gay. He used the economy as an excuse but I was one of the best employees there, and everyone knew it. If he had been more fair, I would have felt bad about what I did next.
I walked straight up to Mitch's spacious house on Friday morning. Mitch answered the door with a cigar in his mouth, customary for him.
"What the fuck do you want? You ain't gettin' your job back, faggot! Get out of here before I call the police!"
"Invite me in," I ordered, and opened up his mind to a very temporary hypnotic spell of suggestion. For the next ten minutes he would have to do as I asked. "Now let's go into the kitchen. Act normal."
"Sure, why wouldn't I?"
"You will do everything I say. Get your son to come downstairs. And put your cigar down in the ashtray."
"Jeremy! Come downstairs!" Mitch barked. He put his cigar down. His cel phone went off. He answered it. "No, do as I tell you to do for once and get those reports in and I don't care if you spend all day doing it! And you won't get overtime. It's your fuck up. No, I don't care what everyone else is doing today. Your such a worthless piece of shit. Do I have to do everything? Get your ass in line! And don't call me again. I'll be in soon and then I can ream your ass out all over again. You stupid piece of shit. How about I fire you? How about that? You want that? No? Then stop blubbering." He hung up. "Fucking women."
Jeremy had come down. Jeremy was Mitch's ten year old son.
"Dad, who's he?"
"Huh? Oh, this is Nate. Nate, this is my son Jeremy."
"A pleasure." I shook his hand. He was shy and retreated back into the corner. "Although I think I remember you at the family picnic."
"Yeah, well get ready for school. Don't just stand there." Mitch ordered.
"No, Jeremy, don't. I have something to tell both of you. Mitch, stand up." Mitch stood up. I placed an amulet around his neck. "Jeremy, put this on."
"Tell him to do as I say. Please."
"You heard him, Jeremy. Do as Nate says. Wait, why am I doing everything you say?" Mitch looked confused. Time for the show to begin!
I began the incantation, which was in a language only sorcerers could speak, one which had been extinct for 4,000 years. In a matter of minutes, it was done. Both amulets glowed intensely in the morning light, then flickered outside of the gems, hovering in the air, and crossing over to each other's necklaces before disappearing inside the opposite gems.
The man and boy blinked.
"You can take off the necklaces now. Thank you." I collected them and put them in my briefcase.
"What the fuck are you doing in my house? Get the hell out of here!" Mitch started to scream. The spell was wearing off.
"Not so fast, shorty."
"Shorty? Who are you calling? Wait...what happened? How'd you get so tall?"
"Dad??" Jeremy asked, wide eyed. His dad was getting shorter! Mitch shrunk a full foot and a half, until he was swimming in his shirt and tie and he panicked, screaming and looked at his shirt draping over him until it touched the floor.
"What the fuck??? What the fuck! What the fuck did you DO to me!" His voice came out like that of a much younger man.
"Now it's your turn," I told Jeremy with a devilish grin. Jeremy was now taller than me. He had been so concerned with his dad he hadn't noticed until he was at my eye level.
"No way! No way!"
"See boys, I am a lot more powerful than a mere office worker. I have other duties which I attend to. I have other bosses in another world and I do a lot more than just oh, make copies. Jeremy was standing next to me, and looking down at his shrimp of a dad, who had lost any sign of stubble and suddenly become very smooth faced. Jeremy's face aged to that of an older teen and then a young man in his twenties.
"No. This isn't possible!" Mitch screamed, and it was the voice of a child. He still had a man's face but that wouldn't last long.
"Dad? Dad? What's happening, mister? I'm as tall as my dad and he's my size and holy shit!"
"Don't you use that language you little shit!" Mitch screamed. Mitch now looked like his teenage self, with the height of a child. Jeremy's face aged considerably to a man in his thirties, only wearing a Pokemon shirt that was stretched out way too tight.
"Ow!" Jeremy took off his shirt to reveal some very nicely grown muscles. "Is that my voice? I sound just like you dad!"
"And now you look like him. Go find a mirror, Mitch." I said to Jeremy. "And as for you, Jeremy. Let me help you out of those big boy clothes." I lifted off the dress shirt and tie off the bewildered man-child. His face was now that of his son's.
"I'm a grown up and I look like you, Dad! Did you do this? Why? Dad, I'm so tall. Wow, I can't believe this! this is so like, cool and stuff!"
Mitch had to clutch his boxer briefs, which no longer fit his childlike frame.
"Change us back! I'll...even hire you back! I promise!"
"Shut up. You're not doing anything. But you, son, you are. You are going to take over for being your father for the next few years."
"What? WHAT?" They both said in unison.
"Yes, until Jeremy is 17, I am making you the father Jeremy, and you the son, Mitch. So you'll go by each other's names. You are now Mitch," I told the grown man. "And you are now a little boy. Some put on some of his clothes. It's time for you to go to school. I'll drive, since I'm the only adult here who knows how. Oh, don't worry, I'll teach you later, Mitch." The bewildered shirtless man peeked under his own stretched out shorts, and took them off so that he was in his underwear.
"WOW!" He looked around in confusion, then headed to the bathroom. "WOW! My pee pee is SO BIG!"
"Don't do this. Don't do this. I can't be a child. He is the child!"
"I did my homework. You have some other family that you don't see that often. Your ex wife never visits since she moved to Europe. And you are very stern disciplinarian to your son. Well, I guess that wasn't a very good idea, in retrospect. You are more of a bully, to everyone. And now your son will be in charge of you as punishment."
"You better change me back or I'll kill you you son of a-"
I picked him up and lifted him in the air. He let out a terrified yelp.
"OR YOU'LL WHAT SHRIMP?: Don't like being so small? Well tough shit. I tossed him down on the ground and he whimpered. "And your son is my size...a bit bigger actually. Just imagine what he can do."
Jeremy was behind me now. And smiling widely. "Yeah, dad. I'm bigger than you now so you better do what I say. You're gonna go to school so get ready!" Jeremy then walked over to the still burning cigar and put it in his mouth.
"Don't you dare! That's mine!"
"Shut up, shrimp." I sneered.
"Yeah, shut up shrimp," he said, smoking for the first time. "Wow, this is COOL! This is SO COOL!" Smoke came out of his lips. "My mouth tastes funny, dad. No wonder you like doin' this smokin stuff."
"I think it's time for you to both get dressed now. We're wasting time."
Jeremy savored his cigar as I helped him into his new shirt and pants. I showed him how to tie a tie, but told him we would practice more later. The new little Jeremy sulked out in his son's clothing and sneakers.
"Your shoes feel funny, daddy."
"They're dress shoes," Jeremy said sullenly.
"Okay, Mitch." Both of them looked at me. "The new Mitch. Get used to your new names. Okay, new Mitch. You and me will drop off the youngster then go into the office and you'll rehire me and give me a new position and a raise. Is everyone ready?"
"You'll pay for this! I swear it! And if you so much as dare to tell me what to do I'll make you pay for it!" he said, threatening his new dad. The new Mitch got angry for the first time. He put down his cigar stub and walked over and adjusted his tie and felt his new muscles.
"Oh yeah? How you gonna make me? With these?" He yanked on his dad's pipe cleaner arms.
"OW! Stop it!"
"Stop being such a baby! That's what you tell me. You're gonna be short and I'm gonna be tall. So do as you're told." He crossed his arms and smirked down at his dad. "You're not gonna change us back, right mister? I don't want dad to ground me."
"Oh I'll change you back after seven years. In the meantime, get used to being Mitch and have fun with it."
"I can do that!"
"And later...I'll take you to a strip joint and you can really enjoy this body of yours."
"You with like naked girls and stuff?" Mitch's face showed shock and childlike awe. "Really?"
"Yeah, man. You're a grown up now. As for you junior, do you have your backpack?"
I drove them to work and school and later Jeremy had a blast. He is doing a lot better in the month since I switched them. I have been teaching him the ropes of his job and he is a lot more pleasant to be around. Everyone says how glad they are that we are friends now.
And helping people is what friends are for. Thanks to me and my new old boss.