Saturday, December 2, 2017

The Grown Up Clothes Club Part 2


This is so cool  Everyone is gonna think I'm my own dad! Well, time for this GROWN UP to go into my grown up work building! Yep. Just gonna walk in there in my SUIT and be an ADULT. 

"Morning, Wayne!"

"Oh...uh...Good morning!" I don't know that guy's name. don't have my voice anymore. It's weird to have dad's voice come out of my voice. My voice is so much higher. Dad's voice is like a grumble. He always sounds angry. But now I'm totally him. Why does my chest feel warm? It's the weirdest feeling. Man, I'm as tall as all th grown ups in this building! So cool.

Okay, so I got to Dad's office. I have my own desk. I thought it would be bigger. Huh. I have a phone and there are lights on it and...I have no idea how this phone works. Huh. So I sat at Dad's office just thinking various thoughts about how I usually spent my day. You know, lining up for the teacher on the playground in the morning and then going to class and reading and then playing with my friends. I don't have any friends here. I wonder if they play at all. Like do they have a break where they play sports at all? I guess not because it's a big building. Everything is so boring so far.

The door knocked. "Hey Wayne," said a guy who didn't bother to be let in. "I got reports here that need your approval. We are looking over more financial specs for the trade ads. The trade show meeting got moved up to TODAY so we need you there by 11 sharp."

"Oh. Of course. Where is that?"

"In the meeting room. Where else are we gonna have it, on the roof?"

"Right."

"Have you talked with Debra yet about the legal consultancy for the new configurations yet?"

"Uh...no?"

"Okay, well when you do, just let me know and I'll have the boys downstairs start on the Q89C so it can clear the rest of the hurdles, you know?"

"Oh yeah, right."

"Alright, well I'll let you get to it, buddy."

The door closed behind him. I have no idea what he was talking about! I have no idea what I'm doing. Maybe if I turn on Dad's computer. It's so old. Okay. Files...no games. Huh. Dad has a bunch of numbers here...man look at all these files. I have no idea what any of these are for. Names. Numbers. More names, more numbers. Okay I'm calling Dad. Oh right, I sort of sent him to school. Woops. I should have brought him with me. I'll text him.

'Hi dad how are u how do u do this job?'

DAD: GET OUT OF THERE NOW OR YOURE GROUNDED

'Dad they want me to...i mean u to go 2 a meeting at 11.'

DAD: WHAT? WHY? WHAT'S GOING ON!

'They said they have a trade show. Do you get to look at cards there? Like Pokemon cards? I am not going if they have Yu-gi-oh.'

DAD: IT'S NOT FOR FUCKING YUGIOH!!

'Don't say that word! You tell me not to!'

Then there was no answer. I tried but I guess Dad got caught texting. Oh man I hope Miss Pennescot doesn't take my phone away! I basically just went on dad's internet and played games for a while but then I realized I could do whatever I wanted to do. I looked in his drawer's for a while. I had been feeling really weird all morning, like my muscles were twitching and everything. I came across a bunch of office supplies but no toys. Then I saw a packet of Dad's Camels. What! He told me he gave up smoking! He lied! Oh man. My stomach is growling. Now I can't stop thinking about smoke and how good it smells. What is wrong with me?? I don't think cigarettes smell good but oh god they taste so fucking good. 

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME.

So I decided to call my best friend Kyle. But when he answered it was a little boy's voice.

"Hey. It's me," I said, stupidly before remembering that I was actually talking to Mr. DiPaolo who was in my friend's body. "Um. It's...Mr. Conway. Yes, can I speak to uh...your father? Bob, please?"

"Suuure. HEY DAD IT'S FOR YOU!" Lucky for me I had the DiPaolo's home phone number.

"BOB DiPaolo speaking. How can I help you?"

"Uh. Um. This is um. This is. Like. It's me. It's George and I'm my dad and is this Kyle?"

"Of course it's me! Hey, let me just step outside. Okay, that's better. I don't want dad to overhear me. Isn't it awesome being an adult??"

"I...I thought it would be but I'm totally scared now. I might really screw up Dad's job. What do I do?" I wanted to cry. "He's gonna be so mad at me." I was beginning to tear up.

"Dude, listen. I found another spell. You can like, get all your dad's knowledge and stuff. I've got all my dad's know how and I went to work for the first time yesterday! I work 12 to 8 today so dad and me are just going over the basics. He still doesn't know I'm the one that switched us and I don' t feel like goin' back yet."

"But like...I can't be my dad. And you can't be your dad! What about your mom!"

"Dude, relax. I'm only gonna do this until my mom comes home. For now, I'm havin' fun!"

"um okay okay look I guess can you do the spell and give me the power to like do Dad's job cause I'm really scared now."

"You have to exchange it with him. He has to give it to you. My dad doesn't even know how to drive now! He was so mad and he threw a tantrum. Dude, I had to put him in a corner! I put my dad in a time out! This is fucking awesome! Oh yeah and I can totally say bad words now!"

"Oh. that's good I guess. Look um. I'm just really nervous about all this so I want to go back. But I lost the way for us to switch back so can you give me the papers again? I'll have dad wear something of his so he can go back to being dad and we can go back to normal. I don't like this as much as you do!"

"Okay stop worrying. You're a total grownup now. You can't be acting like a baby, George. Okay? Be a man. Act like your dad or at least pretend to. Sheesh. You are really bad at this."

"I'm only 9 years old! I have people calling me Wayne or Sir. It's weird!"

So Kyle agreed I should come over to his house later and he'd make a spell for me. But I had to wait until later tonight.

So anyway. Dad texted me just a few lines about how I should fake being sick and leave but I didn't know what to do. I guess I should do as he says. So the next time the weird guy came in and started talking about things and I had no idea what he was talking about, I said I thought I was getting sick. And he told me in a panic that the meeting couldn't be moved. That the BOARD were all going to be there and they needed to talk about the trade show and so much money was on the line because it was in three days and they had to do some emergency preparation because the materials were all wrong and fucked up. Wow. Adults curse at work? Dad said they never curse at work. He said I should never curse because adults don't in the adult world...he lied to me!

So I had to make a decision and decided I would fake being sick at the meeting. So I went downstairs and saw there was a bagel shop across the way and I ran across to go in. Geez, I'm tall now! It's so weird to be tall as grownups! So I bought some oatmeal cookies. I ate one and drank some milk and got some orange juice. I really didn't feel well. I saw a guy outside the building dad works light up a cigarette and my mouth watered. Dad's body really wants to smoke, I think! Well I'm not going to. It's gross! A cigarette would be so good right now. It would really calm my nerves. 

It was like dad's thoughts were in my head. Weird. Okay, so I prepared for the meeting by watching Spongebob on Youtube. Then I felt better. So I did what I had to do. I asked dad where the meeting room was and there was no answer so I just walked around until I saw someone getting in the elevator. So I got in with her.

"Hey, are you on your way to the meeting?" I tried to sound all casual and dadlike.

"Oh. Yes, sir. I didn't have much time to prepare, though."

"Yeah, me either," I said, trying to sound like Dad. So I just followed her on the floor she got off and we rounded several corners until I saw the meeting room and only a few people were there so I walked around until I found a bathroom...

I got inside and sat down and guys in suits, and a few women were talking about all these projects. I noticed that the company dad worked for was all over these brochures and they were spread across the table. So I looked at one. Everyone was talking about consumers, and I know that means people that buy things because dad taught me that word. Logistics. McKee Logistics. Logistics. That sounds...mathy. Does dad do math at work? He always told me he had to and if they want me to use long division, they can think again because I am so NOT going to.

So the meeting started and I listened for a little while and made a show of putting my hand on my stomach. So they kept talking about how all the material had been written for the wrong models because we were discontinuing that software and moving forward and needed to push the Q89C model and we needed to push our 24/7 tech support help line as being American and not in India. And none of the promotion was overlooked very well because it had been done months ago before...

And so that is when I gave my performance. I was in several school plays so I know how to be an actor and also I know how to get out of school because I had to fake being sick the day Billy Shruckner wanted to beat me up after school and then when my mom came I told her the truth and then all hell broke loose because she told his mom and now he has to go to therapy and he hates me.

I started off rubbing my stomach. A few people noticed and then I stood up so the entire table had their eyes on me. I ran for the door and then tripped and all the oatmeal/milk/orange juice I had mushed together in a styrofoam cup came out and I made really good vomit noises.

"OH MY GOSH I'M SO SORRY! I TRIED TO HOLD IT IN. I THINK I HAVE THE FLU."

"The flu? Someone get him out of here now!" a woman cried.

"This is all my fault?"

"Wayne, can you hear me? Are you okay?" I sniffed. I had also bought a salad at the sandwich shop and I had stuck my finger all over the onion that came with it and it had been right near my eye as I was on the floor, so now I was all teary-eyed.

"I felt sick earlier."

"I told him he should come anyway. I am really sorry, guys."

"Wayne never gets sick. Donny, you really should have listened to him. We can't afford to have him infect the entire building!"

"He's the boss, though!"

"Of his department, not yours. Don't pull that line with me. Wayne, do you need us to call you an ambulance?"

"Uh...no. Just call me a ride home, okay?"

Academy Awards, here I come! Dad will be so happy! Um. Sort of.



So...long story short I got home and mom wasn't home but I had dad's keys that he had given me. I wonder if I should take the car out for a spin while he isn't here. And then if I crashed it he would totally kill me so..maybe not. Anyway, I still couldn't reach dad. It was recess now so I should be able to. But he wasn't answering. I hope dad didn't get me into trouble. I will be so mad if I am in trouble when I go back to school. I took off dad's office clothes and got into some comfortable sweat pants I found and rubbed my hairy new body. This was pretty cool, I thought. I hope I have as much hair as dad does someday. I mean, other than now. When I'm me and I go through growing up and stuff.

It was at this point that mom came home and it was not good. I mumbled I was sick and had to come home from work and she was screaming and frantic and she gave me a thermometer and said I didn't have a fever. She was talking about a doctor. I laid down on the couch and just pretended to be sleepy. "Mom, don't do that. I just wanna go to bed."

"Ugh. You are zonked. Okay, well sweetie? Hello?" She was in front of me up close crouching now. "I have to go pick up Brian soon and I need to drop off my orders at the post office. Just stay here and I'll pick you something up at the pharmacy. What hurts right now?"

"My stomach hurts and my head hurts," I said, trying to sound pathetic.

"Don't worry, I think it might be what Amanda's husband had, we just saw them so you probably go tit from him. Okay, just rest and I'll be back after my errands. I won't kiss you for a little while, is that okay?" She kissed her hand and patted my head.

Yeah, you shouldn't kiss me, I thought to myself. But then I felt my penis move. Why was my penis moving???

After mom drove off I got up off the couch and threw the blanket off. I was hungry so I helped myself to some leftovers in the fridge and some chips. Wow, I'm really hairy. It itches, too. I've never had chest hair before. It really itches! I turned the TV on and did some channel surfing. There were all these women playing volleyball and normally I wouldn't care about that...

I don't want to say a lot about what happened here but it kind of freaked me out. My penis got really hard and I started touching it and it got even harder and bigger! Like it got real big! Did I have some kind of adult disease or something? So I looked it up on the internet and that is when I learned a lot of things. Normally dad is there if I'm on the internet because he says I'm not old enough to go on the internet alone. But I found out all about all the...stuff that adults do. Or at least the basics. You know, I'm really glad I have the internet and that I'm not actually super old like dad. He said when he was a kid they didn't even HAVE the internet. That is super dumb.

Anyway, I wanted to see if my penis would do more, like the photos I saw but then Mom drove back. I got back on the couch and put the blanket back on and pretended to be asleep.

"Honey? Could you open your eyes? Sorry to wake you but have you seen a small box lying around? I forgot one of my orders." I blinked. Oh right. Mom has her own business where she makes jewelry and stuff so we can make more money for bills and things. I once did a report on it.

"I..I..I dunno."

"I can't find it anywhere." Brian was suddenly there.

"Daddy!" He ran up and hugged me.

"Brian, get off me!" I pushed him away.

"Daddy, whyyyy!"

"Because Daddy is sick, sweetheart. He doesn't want to get you, sick." Brian looked sad like he was going to cry.

"Oh..yeah. Sorry, buddy. I would if I could. You don't want to get sick, do ya?"

"I don't care. I want to hug you, Daddy!"

Suddenly, something dawned on me. The missing pieces of magic paper. Mom's missing box.

"Brian? Do you know where Mommy's box is? The little one?"

Brian didn't answer.

"Brian?" Mom asked. "Answer your father, sweetheart."

"We won't get mad, I promise. But mom really needs that box, sweetie."

"I forgot. I'm sorry."

"You forgot where you put it? You were playing with it?" Mom took over, nonshalantly. "George, you know, you shouldn't play with other people's things. Remember what we talked about?"

"Yes," Brian said, looking at the floor.

"Brian, you uh...you want to help mom, right? Try and remember where you put it."

"It's with my toys," he said and grabbed mom's hand and the two went off to his room. She came back triumphantly.

"Sweetie, would you mind just watching him a little bit while I...on second thought you should probably sleep."

"You want me to watch him? I'm pretty awake now." I know, I know. I know I never want to watch Brian but if he had mom's package...

"It's just he really needs to eat. The kindergarten had their half day today, they do that every two weeks now, you know. Anyway, just give him the lunch I made in the fridge this morning."

"Okay, sure," I agreed. She blew me a kiss and was out the door. Good ol' mom.

"And honey, put a shirt on. You don't want to make it worse,"

"Oh, Right." I found a shirt in dad's room. At first I went into my room. Luckily, mom didn't see me and she already left. I was about to put on one of MY shirts when Brian came in.

"This isn't your room!"

"Oh. Right. Of course. Because I'm the dad."

Brian squealed with delight following me around. I found one of dad's shirts and tossed it on. So weird that I can wear his clothes now, that I'm big enough to wear them. And I want a cigarette so badly right now. I tried to ignore the impulse my body was craving. Brian followed me into the kitchen.

"Here ya go," I handed him the plastic bag.

"I need a plate!"

"Oh. Right." I had fun opening the top cabinet. I'm tall enough to reach the plates now! I smiled in triumph. Maybe being dad for a day isn't so bad! I gave him the sandwich and some cheddar cheese slices and crackers. I sat down across from him at our circular dining table. Okay. Don't be a mad big brother. Be the daddy he loves.

"Brian? Did you see...some slips of paper on the floor the other day with my name and dad's name...I mean...my name and uh, George's name on them?"

George didn't answer.

"Sweetie? If you saw them, I really need them."

"They were so pretty," he said in his sad-guilty little kid voice.

"I knew it! I mean, uh...that's okay...uh...champ. But if you could give those back, it would really make me happy, okay?"

"Okay, daddy." Brian got off his chair and went to his room and I followed him. We were very lucky to live in a house where we could each have our own bedroom. VERY lucky. Brian opened up his dresser drawer and bent down on the floor and bingo, there were the papers. "There's your name. And there's George's name. And there's my name!" Oh no. Oh, crap crap crap. Written all over the ink in little kid scrawl was Brian's name in crayon.

"Oh that's just great!"

I looked at Brian. Uhoh. He was starting to cry. Then he was crying. "No no no. Nonono. Don't cry, Brian. I'm sorry. Uh...it's just. I uh..." CRAP. "Daddy is just sick is all. And I love you. I'm really sorry, Brian."

"I wrote my name just like the teacher taught me cause I love you. Now you have my name, too!" He sniffed. I picked him up. All the way up. I was so big now I realized I could do that. I hugged him.

"You really do love me and your brother, don't you?"

"I love George and now my name is next to his and I made it pretty, see?" he said.

"Well, that's okay. Just don't cry. Daddy just needs some rest. I'm really sorry. Hey, why don't I give you a cookie?" I rubbed his head, with its hair full of tangled light brown curls.

Well that did the trick. Soon Brian had forgotten I'd snapped at him. I tried to call Kyle but no answer. Oh right. He was at his dad's job, presumably knowing what he was doing. I wished I felt the same way. I had no idea if the slips of paper would even work now. And if they changed me into Brian, I really didn't want to

For the rest of the day, I pretended to be sick until dad got home. It was not fun. He told me that he couldn't talk to me because he had been hiding his phone under a book but the teacher finally caught him.

"I had to spend recess with your teacher. She's a lovely woman but I found the entire experience humiliating. I had to assure her I would respect her in the classroom.

"She usually doesn't do that."

"Yeah well she sort of caught me using it more than once."

"Dad! I don't wanna miss recess!"

"Yeah, well I don't want to miss going to my fucking job and losing it." he seethed through his teeth, out of mom's earshot. "When are we switching back?"

"Yeah, I'm going to get some help on that tonight."

"Help? So you know the person that did this. Okay. Okay. Okay look, we will have to go out together. When can we go?"

"Well he gets off work at 8."

"We'll have to tell your mother something. You're supposed to be sick."

 "We can tell her that I need to take you to the pharmacy? Maybe you can pretend to be sick." I said.

"No. I'll come up with the lie here. Your mother can smell bullshit. Okay. Okay. When it's time for us to leave, you'll tell your mother that you need to have a very special father son talk with me. And you'll need time to do it. Like an hour or two or more. Okay?"

"Okay!" I said, cheerfully.

I pretended to be sick more and watched TV. Dad checked his emails when mom wasn't looking.

"YOU THREW UP IN FRONT OF THE BOARD?"

"Oh. Yeah. It was pretty cool. I put some oatmeal cookies and juice and milk together and put them in a plastic baggie and then stuffed it all in my mouth when I went to the bathroom."

"Huh. Okay, that actually isn't half bad. But never do it again!"

"Daddy, will you play with me?" Brian asked me. My eyes drifted back to dad, in my body.

"Here. Why don't you play with me, Brian?"

Brian got all excited because I usually don't want to play with him. Maybe I should play with him more, I thought. Dad in my body was being a really good brother, helping him draw with crayons and playing board games with him. I guess over the last year or so I'd been hanging out with Kyle so much I'd sort of just wanted to ignore him. I was afraid he wouldn't be able to keep up and I didn't want Kyle to dump me because of Brian.

Speaking of which, I got a text from Kyle finally. I was supposed to come to his house at 8:30. I told dad. Then we had dinner and mom made me some Jello and eggs and toast because I was still pretending to be sick. Everyone else got to eat chicken and mashed potatoes. I told Dad we could walk there but we needed to leave so we'd be able to get there when my friend got there. So he and I talked alone and then he sent me to mom with a planned speech. I got dressed in dad's jeans in his room and put on my best "concerned dad face".

"Uh..honey, I uh...I need to go for a walk. With George. For a very special father-son talk. He's asking about...penisses."

"Oh. Geez. NOW?"

"Yeah yeah, I really need to talk to him. Someone told him some things at school and you know kids these days and the internet so uh...I'm going to answer all his questions. I am gonna be a few hours. We'll just walk around the street."

"Oh wow. Okay, well are you sure you should be up right now? RIGHT now?"

"This really can't wait. I think he needs to talk now."

"Okay, father of the year. Make sure and bundle up. It's not that cold tonight but you could get really sick if you don't. Don't go too far, take your phone with you. Just promise me that if he turns out to be gay like your brother, you won't take it too hard."

"Wait...what?"

"I know, I know. You don't think he's gay. But a mother knows these things."

A mother knows WHAT things!?

"Uh...ok."

So once we were outside and bundled up and walking around.

"Um, dad?" I asked.

"Yes, son," my dad replied. "Try not to walk too fast, son. My legs are smaller now."

"Oh! Sorry. I just. Um. Gay is when guys like each other, right?"

"Oh god. I don't want to have this conversation now."

"Mom thinks I'm gay. Am I gay, dad?"

"How the hell would I know?" Dad asked. "You'll figure it out when you start to...I guess I really am having this conversation now. I guess we didn't have to lie about that. Okay...so just to back up..."

And then dad told me the basics, which made the internet photos I saw make a lot more sense.

"So, when my penis got hard today, I wanted to have sex??"

"Well, biologically. Yes. But you just jack off if you're alone. That means you get hard down there and then you cum. And it kind of just shoots out."

"GROSS! EWW."

"Yeah, that is not the reaction you are going to have when it happens."

"So why does mom think I'm gay? And why do you have a plastic penis in your room?"

"What?! Oh. That. Your mother keeps that because she thinks it's funny. It's actually...a little gift your uncle left behind."

"Because Uncle Travis is gay?"

"Yeah but the only reason we waited to tell you is because he doesn't have a boyfriend and he didn't want to make a big deal out of it. He asked us not to say anything. Your mother wanted to. It's NOT a big deal, though. We all love Uncle Travis, and his being gay does not change anything."

"Hey, your kid is awesome!" said a woman who was talking with her girl friend in the shade of a tree they had just crossed.

"Oh. Thanks." Dad and me both said at the same time.

"Mom likes gay guys, huh dad?" I said, when we were out of earshot again.

"Well yes, she has several gay friends. There's nothing wrong with it."

"So why does mom think I'm gay?"

"Ugh. Because she's your mother? I don't know. You'll figure it out one day and then you'll tell us. I don't really care. As long as you never do drugs. Because then I will kill you." Dad said, and even though he was a nine year old I was really afraid of the way he'd just said that.

SO we got to Kyle's house and Dad recognized it.

"Kyle? It's Kyle."

"Sort of," I said.

"What do you mean, sort of?"

"He sort of...looks different now." Dad got that LOOK in his eye.

"Do you mean to tell ME. That Kyle swapped bodies with his dad? And that he swapped our bodies? KYLE. Who is 9. HOW did this happen? Start talking! I've been real patient but I need to know now!"

"Hey. Keep it down out there," a man's very deep voice boomed. "Come inside, dude. Both of you." I gulped. Dad marched in my 9 year body as menacingly as he could.

I noticed that Kyle had shaved most of his dad's beard and he wasn't wearing a shirt. He was huge! He got some milk from the fridge and chugged it.



"Fucking dad can't tell me not to drink milk directly from the jug anymore! Ha!"

"That's...greeeeeat," my dad said carefully. "So I assume I'm speaking to Kyle now, and not Bob."

"You assume correctly, brat."

"Hey, don't call my dad a brat. That's not nice."

"Sorry, bro. You want a drink? Maybe a beer?" He got a bottle out and handed it to me. Dad intervened.

"No. You are not giving a nice year old a beer!"

"He look like he's 9 to you, little boy?"

"Can I dad? Please?"

"No. Your mother would smell it. I'm not going to explain that. No beer. That's final."

"Dude, he's still my dad," I told Kyle.

"Whatever." He twisted the cap off and drank it. "I can still do what I want. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, DAD! I CAN DO WHAT I WANT CAUSE I'M THE GROWN UP AND YOU AREN'T."

Kyle's form came marching from the other room. He had Kyle's semi longish hair and buck teeth. "What's going on here? Son, why are they here? Are you thinking of doing something with them? Please don't. Just run. Both of you right now. I'm actually BOB and this is my 9 year old son KYLE in that big body up there!"

"We know. Hi, Mr. DiPaolo."

"OH NO. You swapped George and Wayne? Why would you do this?"

"So..he knows you're the one that swapped you two."

"Yeah, I told him. I think it's funny."

"Kyle, you can't...you can't really stay in there. You don't know anything about being a grownup." My dad tried to reason with him.

"Shows what you fuckin' know. I know everything my dad knew about construction and now I can drill all fuckin' day. What do you think of that? I ain't goin' back to being in fourth grade. I hated it. I'd way rather do my dad's work than homework!"

"Talk some sense into him! My wife is going to be back in a few days! Please!" Mr. DiPaolo pleaded. "I can't be in this little kid body anymore." He started sniffing.

"Is he being mean to you?" I asked in concern.

"I ain't bein' mean, I'm just treating him like he treats me, isn't that right, dad?" Kyle sipped his beer casually. "You say I'm outta line, you spank me, and I spanked you real good right back. And if I go back, he'll just spank me again, won't you?"

"No, I won't! I promise!" wailed Mr. DiPaolo. I really felt sorry for him.

"This is deplorable. Neither of you knows how to be an adult."

"I took all my dad's know how so yes I fuckin' do now how to be an adult. I have a magic spell and I'm gonna give it to George so he can do your fuckin' job." Kyle sauntered into the living room and plopped himself in his dad's easy chair. He flipped the TV on to the channel he wanted. Sports.

"But...we want to trade back. I feel bad. Really bad. I didn't want to make my dad miserable and this is all my fault, I'm really sorry Dad."

"Something tell me it's not ALL your fault, son," my dad said, taking my much bigger hand in his. "We both want to switch back. Please help us do so."

"No. Not gonna do it. Not til you give him all your knowledge."

"But I want to go back to school!"

"Dude, you have the chance to be a grownup. Just take it."

"Something you're forgetting. If you have adult knowledge, then you must know about sex. Dads and moms have sex with each other. THAT is my son. He is not going to have sex with his mother. And unless you're on Jerry Springer, NO ONE is twisted enough to think that's ever going to happen. "

"What's Jerry Springer, dad?"

"I'll tell you when you're older. Well...you know what I mean."

"Please, Kyle?"

"Fine." he huffed. "I was just trying to give you something cool, George? Okay, how about this? I'm gonna give George the ability to be someone else. Whoever he wants. It has to be a grown up you know. You need a piece of clothing and you need to give it to him to turn into that person. You didn't tell him how I did it, right?"

"No," I looked guiltily down at dad. "He said not to!" I protested before he could even say anything.

"If that is what it takes, fine. You can give George the ability to turn into a grownup. BUT only if he wants to. And only if he agrees to it."

"He has to, or I'm not gonna fuckin' do it."

"Why do you even care about me doing it? I mean, dude, look at you. You're huge and all but we can't stay this way."

"Oh I can do whatever I want. When my mom comes back I'll tell her I'm getting a divorce and I'm gonna keep my fuckin' huge arms."

"What? Dude, she's your mom."

"Stepmom. You don't know anything, George."

"Look, I'm not going to interfere in whatever is going on here. Because I can't. No one would believe me in a million years," Dad said. "But look at your father. He's scared. He's been reduced to a child. You have his maturity or at least some of it now. Use it. Try thinking about how he feels. If he's more like a child now, he feels the way you used to. Now I know your family might have it's problems, but you don't want to become what you hate. Believe me. I've seen that happen before."

"Nice try. I'm gonna make my dad be a little kid and I'm gonna whoop his ASS if he doesn't do what I fuckin' tell him to."

"Okay, I tried. Can you switch us back now?" Dad said. Kyle's voice with Bob inside started whimpering and he fell onto the rug crying into a pillow.

"You gotta let him turn into an adult so he can still hang out with me."

"OHHHH I get it. Dad, he's afraid we won't be friends anymore if he becomes an adult."

"Yes, this was the entire plot to Big. Minus the more fucked up elements."

"What's Big?"

"Never mind. I'll rent it from Netflix. I suppose your uncle has some clothes but this has to be his choice. George?"

"Okay! I mean. I can be Uncle George sometimes but I gotta go to school, too, Kyle!"

"If you miss it so much, fine. I ain't goin' back!"

"So you'll swap us."

"Yeah, but I hid the stuff. You'll have to be your dad for one more day and come back tomorrow."

"Another day? Another day!"

"I can give you the spell so you can take your dad's knowledge. That way you can go to work tomorrow. Then afterwards, you guys can swap back. Deal?"

"Is..that okay, dad?"

"I really can't miss work anymore this week. I can't believe I'm about to say yes to this."

"Cool. Just sign this paper. It already has the spell but you have to agree to give him your adult knowledge. He'll give you his kid knowledge."

Dad and I looked at each other. We both signed.

And like that I got a bit dizzy and it was like coming out of a fog.

"How you feel, bro?"

"Okay, I guess. I really need a cigarette, though," I said. I fished for the Camels I usually kept in my pocket. Wait. I don't smoke, I'm only 9! "Dad, can you wait for me outside, please?" Dad looked up at me.

"I..I can't remember what my job even is."

"It's logistics. Don't worry, dad. I'll be sure and take care of everything tomorrow. Please just meet me outside."

"Hey, are you still whining, Bob? Get the fuck up to your room." Kyle said, imposingly. Bob trudged upstairs in his new little Kyle form.

I lit up a cigarette and took off my shirt. It was hot and I was fucking tired.

"God, I needed that all day." I blew out smoke. "Holy crap, I'm smoking! Dude, I'm smoking!"



"Yeah, it takes a while to adjust. Just wait til you get to your dad's work. It's a fucking trip. So you want that beer now?" He smiled.

"No, dad was right. I mean, I was right. I mean... my wife. I mean...mom would smell it on my breath. I'm supposed to be sick. I need to get home. Thanks for the help. Can you swing by my place tomorrow at the same time?" I continued to take a drag and blow smoke.

"Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. Just remember. You need to be a grownup sometimes to hang out with me. I don't want us to stop being friends."

"Don't worry, dude. It's cool. Have a good night, brother." I realized I sounded a lot more mature. I walked Dad home.

"I don't feel like me. Like all my knowledge about my job...I just...I can remember being a kid and a little bit about college. It's like I can't access anything recent. Not my jobs or meeting your mother..."

"Don't worry," I told him. He started to cry.

"It's not fair!" his voice cracked severely. I put my cigarette out. I picked him up.

"It's going to be okay, big guy. We aren't like them. I'll get us back to normal. I love you, Daddy. It's going to be okay."

"You promise?" Dad sniffed.

"Yeah. And if Kyle doesn't give us our right bodies back, I'll kick his ass.

"Okay. Thanks, son." He sniffed.

Our roles had changed so suddenly I didn't even know what to think. I went home, and smiled wearily to my mom..er..."wife". I gave him a big hug and we said our prayers, I had him brush his teeth and take a bath, and then I put Brian and my dad to bed. I turned on his nightlight so I wouldn't get scared. The next thing I knew, the alarm was going off. I had to get up, take a shower real quick, put my work clothes on (and I knew how to tie a tie now!). I told my mom I had a 24 hour thing and that I was starting to feel better. I grabbed a quick breakfast. As my dad and I got in the car, he asked: "Are you really going to drive? Can you drive now?"

"Yeah, don't worry. I got it covered."

"Of course he can drive, he's Daddy!" Brian laughed, his mirth making me smile. My little guy.

"I love you so much. Give me a hug!" I said, even though dad shrugged it off. "No, dad. I don't want the other kids to see."

"Did you just call me dad?"

"Yeah. But..only if someone overheard," he said suddenly. His eyes widened and he ran off with his backpack. I walked Brian to his kindergarted class and gave him a big, big hug. He wasn't too big for that yet, thank goodness.

"I'll miss you so much! Be a good boy!"

"Thanks, Daddy! I love you! Bye!" he waved dramatically.

I realized I was feeling like I had become dad in many ways. Maybe that explained Kyle. If Kyle's dad was a jerk then maybe Kyle had absorbed his personality traits as well as his knowledge. Maybe the magic was much more powerful than he expected.

But don't worry, dad, I thought as I drove to my first day of work in the adult world. I will fix this, or my name isn't Wayne Conway!

Friday, November 17, 2017

The Grown Up Clothes Club

My name is George Conway and I'm only 9. But this is my story. I know it's totally unbelievable. I'm just a kid. Just an average kid. I play softball. I go to school and I'm in the 4th grade. I totally get annoyed by my little brother, who is 5 and he is a total spaz. Not at all like I was. Because let's face it, older brothers have to be mature. And I'm like, really mature. My dad is this really successful business owner type guy and he owns like five bars. And I can't go there because like, I'm not 21 or whatever. But like, my life is totally cool. I have good friends but my brother is the only thing that really sucks. He was always interfering. He wanted to join us and then he'd do stupid things like ruin our fun by tattling on us. Like, we went for a bike ride and saw this old house and went inside and I totally didn't even know he followed us. Well he told my dad and he grounded me. I was so mad!

Anyway, my friend went back to that old house (everyone says it's haunted but I don't think that because that's stupid) and he said he found something incredible. So he comes over and I'm like, dude I'm totally grounded, you can thank my stupid brother. And he's like no you don't understand, dude. I have the answer to all our problems. And I'm like really? Because I'm grounded so unless you can get my dad to UN-ground me, I still have problems. And he just smiled this weird smile.

So he comes in and he's not supposed to be there and my brother sees him and I'm like Brian, I swear to God if you tattle this time...and he starts pleading with me to forgive him. Ugh. I hate him so much! He always does this. He says he didn't want to tattle on me and that mom tracked him down with GPS but if he hadn't followed me, she wouldn't have followed him, and then he wouldn't have spilled his guts about me being in a totally cool not-haunted house. And it isn't tresspassing. I happen to be an urban explorer. I heard that term on TV and I looked it up. It is an adventure thing. I am an adventurer. My parents just do not understand adventure. They do not understand me at all. But I'm getting away from the main story.

So, Kyle grabs me and says we don't have much time and I'm like what are you even talking about? And he says trust me and practically drags me to my room because he's running so fast. So we get to my room and he starts babbling about how he went back to the house and there was a ghost (yes I know that's stupid) who told him that he had a chest full of magical items (yes, I know how that sounds because I just looked at him the same way, like he was full of doody) and that he should take it and keep them safe before someone evil took them.

"So let me get this straight. A ghost came to you in the house."

"Yeah!"

"And the ghost told you that you could take his box of magic things to your house."

"Yeah! Only it was too heavy so I just stuffed things inside my backpack and brought them back to my room. I had to make two trips, dude."

"And they do magic. Like Harry Potter."

"No, Harry Potter doesn't do magic. Harry Potter is like 40 now and he isn't even Harry Potter. He never did magic. Those movies are stupid and this is real." He said this in his most convincing voice. Kyle took off his backpack. He pulled out a suit and pants and a shirt. They looked like his dad's clothes.

"So...your dad's clothes are magic."

"No, those aren't magic. THIS is magic." He pulled out a really old fashioned pen and a bottle of ink.

"So, this is like Harry Potter! Dude, I have a computer."

"First of all, Harry Potter used quills, which were stupid. This is a magic pen. Totally different."

"Kyle, what do you want?"

"Just. Watch." He said, and took out a totally new pad of art paper. "You have to write down your name and the name of the person who you want to look like." He dipped the pen and wrote (really badly because we were not born in the 1800s) his name in print: Kyle DiPaolo and his father's name Bob DiPaolo. "Then you take the paper and fold it and put it inside a piece of clothing belonging to the person you want to turn into.

"You want to turn into your dad? Won't that happen when you become old anyway? Why not just wait?" Did I happen to mention I'm incredibly funny beyond my years? Well it's true. I was smiling and he wasn't. Instead, he took off his shirt and pants until he was just in his undies.

"Sorry. These have to go, too. Turn the other way."

"Kyle, are you serious? This is...I just..."

"Please? Please please please just turn around?" he whined.

"Ugh. Fine," I groaned and turned around.

"Okay, you can look now," he said after a minute. I turned around and he was dressed but swimming in his dad's clothes. He perched himself on my bed. "I put my dad's boxers on, too. It's kinda gross but last time I outgrew my own undies and that did NOT feel good."

"Yeah, I hate it when that happens. So..."

"Just give it a minute. It happens quick. Oh!"

He started to change at that point and things got freaky. He started to look different in his face. His 9 year old face started to look a bit bigger, the shape of his head was changing. He laid back on my bed and groaned slightly. Then he sat back up. He looked like he was twelve. He stood up. He was still swimming in his dad's clothes, but now...he was a full head taller than me.

"Just wait until you see this...it HAPPens auICK," he said, trying to get the words out, but his voice was cracking. He massaged his Adam's apple, which was popping out, no...enlarging. He started to move...up. He adjusted his pants by hiking them up. He grew and grew until his hands popped out of the suit and shirt sleeves and he adjusted his suit a bit. He was now towering over me by at least a foot and a half. I stared at his waist level now. He shuffled around on his feet, the grown up pants now fitting him nicely. "That's a little bit more like is," he said, his voice having dropped at least two octaves. His face was still young but not for long, and next a five o clock shadow grew in and his face contorted. His head changed shape again and he grew older. Now he looked like he was in high school, with stronger bones and now college. His hairline receded quickly. His face started to wrinkle and age and before I knew it I was staring up at Kyle's dad's face.

"Didn't I tell you, dude?" Kyle's father said in Kyle's father's voice.

"I...you...I...you...your dad. Is this a magic trick? I mean, am I TV or something?"

"Dude, no. Don't be stupid. I mean, really?" It was his dad's voice but his attitude.

"Kyle?"

"It's totally me, dude."

"So...I mean..."

"The best part is, if I get naked I'm still totally going to look like my dad."

"Please don't do that!"

"Ew. Dude. You worry too much and stuff." Definitely his father's voice but definitely Kyle trapped inside of it.

Kyle's dad sat down in front of me. "But like, I do wanna show you my muscles now. I'm huge, dude! And look, I even have...my dad's...tattoos...unh." he said, as he removed the suit and shirt real quickly. "And look dude, I have chest hair! So cool!" He was giddy. He flexed his arms only slightly, looking at them as if for the first time. He rubbed his stubble in wonder, then looked at me expectantly for a reaction.




"So, what should I call you now?"

"Why don't you call me by my name,  young man? Call me Mr. Di Paolo. Or Sir." He cracked up, his static-sounding voice snickering and guttural, unable to contain himself. This was Bob's voice but totally out of character. He wouldn't roll around in glee, last time I checked.

"You're right. This thing does work. So...why do you want to look like your dad?"

"I don't, but I mean I kind of do because then everyone will think that I'm a grown-up." He got up and swung around in a circle but then tripped and fell over and caught himself before he went flat. "Sorry, I'm still getting used to being totally tall and stuff." He brushed his chest hair still not used to the feeling of it. "Plus, how cool is it that I can go into bars now? I can drink beer now!"

Just at this point, the door knocked.

"Come back later, Brian!"

"I heard Kyle's dad in there! Why is he in there?!" Brian shouted out his thoughts, broadcasting to the entire world the way he always did. Damn five year old brothers.

"Because...he's on speakerphone!" I panicked. "Go away! I'm still angry at you!"

"Please forgive me, George! I'm really, really sorry!" Brian cried dramatically, the door thumping as he threw his five year old frame against it.

I glared daggers at Kyle, who for some reason was looking smug. "Change back" I mouthed. "Now. Now Now Now Change Back CHANGE BACK" I silently but emphatically mouthed.

"Oh, right," he whispered. The door knocked again.

"Please, George, you have to forgive me, I'm your brother!" Brian yelled emphatically. Just then Mom's car drove up. Oh yeah. Because she was only gone for like, fifteen minutes and I was under instruction not to let anyone into the house.

"I am going to be grounded!" I seethed.

"I thought you already were grounded, George!" my brother yelled from the other side of the door. Meanwhile Kyle was changing into his own shirt, which was strained against his new bulk. He stuffed the piece of magic paper inside the shirt. "You have to turn around now," he whispered. I bared my teeth at him in annoyance and did so, and behind me he kicked off his dad's pants and then he started to shrink. Soon he was himself again. He tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around to see my now me-sized friend again. Brian had gone off, presumably to tattle on me to my mother and I didn't have much time. Kyle got his dad's clothes in his backpack again and I ventured out, telling him to wait until the coast was clear. My mother went straight to the kitchen so I helped her get grocery bags in.

"Thank you, very much, George. You are still grounded, though." This was the perfect opportunity. She had to put groceries away. Brian was currently pawing through the groceries to gawk at any potential sweets.

"Okay, well I guess I'll go do something else, then," I said hurriedly as she tsked at me. Brian was conveniently asking for cookies and Mom was saying no. I knew this routine and had only minutes. I ran back upstairs and told Kyle to very quietly make his escape. Downstairs (quickly but quietly) and then I opened the door and he ran out. I quietly shut it and nearly collapsed from relief.

I didn't see Kyle the next day at school, which was odd. I hoped he didn't do something stupid, but he was stupid, so he probably did something stupid.

So the next day I'm getting my bike and riding it out of the parking lot after school ends. I live really nearby our school so my parents started to let me ride my bike this year. I am totally deserving of this privilege and I am not like these brats who always want their parents to take them places. I can't wait until I can drive so I can go wherever I want to. That will be awesome.

Then I get a call from a number I don't recognize.

"It's me, dude!" Kyle's dad's voice. Bob's voice. But Bob?

"Mr. Di Paolo?"

"Yeah, it's Mr. Di Paolo. Dude, it's me, Kyle. I'm my dad again!"

"Are you insane? You're going to get caught if you keep doing this!"

"Dude, this is so awesome. My mom had some surprise work thing or whatever and she had to leave for a week and this never happens! So I slipped my baseball cap onto my dad's head when he was asleep and he totally changed into me! By the way, my dad sleeps in his boxers and that means the spell only uses the most recent piece of clothing you put on, which is totally cool and makes it way easier because then-"

"Wait. Wait wait wait. Your dad. YOUR DAD IS NOW YOU. HE NOW LOOKS LIKE YOU??" I suddenly became paranoid and looked around me as I was walking my bike. Luckily, no one overheard me.

"Yeah, he has no idea how I did it. Dude, it's so awesome. You need to come over here. I already asked your mom real nicely to unground you. But she wouldn't. So just come over here and I'll turn you into your dad and then you can unground yourself!"

"I'm...I...wait. You are gonna change back, right?"

"Duh! Totally. But Dad thinks I don't know how cause I'm totally playing dumb and I'm calling in sick to work. Ha! This is the best!"

"Dude, your dad has to go to work. What if he gets fired?"

"Nah, he never gets sick. They told me to take all week...if I need to," he added smugly.

"Oh my god. I am...I'm going home."

So I went home. My mother wouldn't budge from grounding me for a month and neither would my father. I waited for him to come home and he just could not have cared less. He was only stressed out about work. Which is grown up stuff, so hopefully I didn't mess things up too bad for him if this worked. I phoned Kyle as soon as I got to my room.

I went downstairs in a few hours. I crept outside really quickly and looked in the mailbox. He'd done it! He had written my name (badly, wow kids from our time really can't write with an old ink pen) George Conway and my father's name, Wayne Conway on two separate pieces of paper. Good job, buddy. I just hope this doesn't backfire. I hope this works. I just don't want to be grounded for a month. I crept into the laundry room which is small and reeks of detergent. Found one of dad's socks. Perfect. Since the magic needed (it seemed) only the slightest touch of clothing, I figured I could wear my dad's sock and for him I'd just drape a sock over him and put the piece of paper under it.

This would not be easy because of Mom. Darn Mom! Why must she ruin my plans to become an urban explorer! It's the way I will become famous and get my own TV show, by proving haunted houses are not that scary, even if they are filled with ghosts. Admiring fans will write to me from all across the nation and oh my gosh dad was asleep on the couch. Okay.

So...I sort of lied to my mother and told her that I saw a really big dog in our yard, and then I went to work  I slipped my sock on dad's hand and sort of wrapped it around (the best I could do) and then I put his sock on me, which was a bit roomy to say the least, as it went all the way up my leg to my knee and slipped the second piece of paper inside.

When Mom came back in I got on the couch and pretended to be snuggling with Dad for cute 9 year old son reasons (I know..I'm so devious) in the hopes she would leave us alone. I pretended to be falling asleep. She turned the light off. It worked. Oh my gosh it worked. I can't believe it worked. See, she didn't risk waking either of us up because Dad had such a hard day at work and he was so stressed and he was losing sleep so she was just going to go to bed! Mwahaha!

And then I felt myself growing. Oh shit. I forgot. I was still wearing my clothes and I was going to outgrow them. I very carefully took myself out from under Dad's arm (he was so asleep...man he was a deep sleeper) and proceeded to take off my shirt, which was feeling very snug. Thank goodness Brian was already in bed!

I grew in the dark and it was a weird feeling. It didn't feel real. Like I was in a dream. I could see my dad changing in the very dim light. Like his hands had disappeared from the cuff of his shirt. So cool. My heart beat faster. I realized my stance had definitely changed. The room was different somehow. I made my way to the laundry room. I needed to find more of dad's clothes. I managed to find some underwear, which was good because I was totally in need of some. Mine barely fit. I turned the light on to see better and realized I could see the shelf and I could never see the shelf before! Wow. This was working. Wow. Okay. So next I put on dad's underwear and it actually fit me almost. And that is when I noticed it...my penis...was huge. Like, I really thought of myself as very smart but it scared me because I didn't even know your penis got big like that. My dad's penis was...big. Let's just say it surprised me.

"Wow," I uttered. Not my voice. A deep, growly voice. A man's voice. Wow. Wow! I was covered with hair. Chest hair all over. Not that long but I was suddenly very proud of it. I felt my cheeks. My face felt so different! Not just covered with stubble (which I was suddenly also very proud of) but hard jawed and just stronger feeling. I was almost as tall as the door to the laundry room. How tall was I?? My underwear fit now. I rushed back to dad and he was now me. I turned the light back on. His angelic little face (I suddenly realized I really do look angelic while I sleep. Awww! I'm adorable!) swimming in a crisp shirt and red tie way too big for him and pants and belt. It was comical and adorable.

So...I could let him wake up and freak out but I'm very smart for a nine year old and I thought well if I do that then it would be bad but it's worse if I wake him up now. So, oh well? This plan was not very good, maybe. Wait, no. Don't doubt. Make it work. That's what dad always says. So...make it work being dad and stealing his body for a day so I can unground...myself.

This turns out not to have been a good plan. I turned the light off and got back on the couch and tried to get some sleep. Dad was small so there was plenty of room for my now very tall and hairy body. But then I guess I was being shaken because I woke up.

"What! Wha! Dad!" The light was on again.

"Son? Is that you? This can't be happening. I think I must have taken drugs by accident."

"No, I just switched our bodies," I said casually waking up. Man, was I ever tired. Being an adult was hard work so far!

My face could not have looked more shocked and angry. Wow, I'm capable of looking really angry.

"Tell me everything. I have to oversee an entire department and there is no way that can happen now because I look like I need recess more than a portfolio. And you..you...better start talking. Because either you're telling the truth or I'm having a stroke."

"Dad, keep your voice down. You'll wake up Mom," I whispered.

"Your mother. Oh my god," he moved his hand inside his now huge shirt. "I can't be my 9 year old son and still...you undo this, whatever this is I don't like this." He looked a bit bewildered.

"My clothes are over there," I said quietly. "Be quiet, okay?"

"You just switched bodies with me and you want me to be quiet??" he seethed back in a whisper.

I helped him put on my clothes and he made me turn around, as if I haven't seen my penis before (what a prude!) so I rolled my eyes til he was done. I was standing way over him. He put on my shoes. "Outside. NOW."

Uh oh. Now I was in total trouble. I couldn't be dad forever and he was super pissed to wake up in the middle of the night as me, which I guess makes sense. So I put my dad's clothes on because it was cold. I had on his shirt but not the tie and I put on his dress shoes and pants and smiled a little to myself as I grabbed his leather jacket from the rack and we stepped out into the night air. He had my blue jacket on from the closet. He walked me to the lawn near the sidewalk.

"Alright, mister," he said in the sternest voice a nine year old ever uttered. "Start talking. How did you do this?"

"I have to say, you are taking this really well."

"I've seen a lot of movies. We're sending a man to Mars and I'm familiar with singularity theory so I'm up for anything. I'm a very smart man, George. Now tell me how this happened."

"Okay well I'm smart too, just so you know."

"Yes. I know that."

"And I just didn't think it was fair that you grounded me, cuz I'm going to get rich by being an urban explorer, so I thought if I was you I'd tell mom we were going to unground you. Then I'd go back to being me."

"And if I just decide to ground you again anyway?"

Oh man, oh darn. I didn't think of that part! Crap. Oh crap.

"You didn't think of that, did you, George?"

"Nnnnnnnnnnnooooo?" I thought carefully.

"Okay. Here's the deal. I'm willing to overlook this. I am hoping this is actually just a nightmare but in case it isn't, and I'm almost certain it's a hallucination of some kind and that I am on drugs by accident because someone at work left acid tabs in my coffee...just in case it isn't and I actually have switched bodies with my nine year old pre-pubescent son, I need to switch back now so I can go to work tomorrow. You have no idea how to be an adult at all, George. Do you?"

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnoooo? Sort of? I mean if I was an adult I could just be an urban explorer and make money and-"

"Would you shut up about being an urban explorer!"

"Dad! That's my thing! Mom and you are stopping me from my dream!" I said, getting angry and stomping my foot, which now that I look back on it might not have been very mature.

"Okay. Let's just do it now and get it over with before your mother wakes up."

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I just didn't want to be grounded," I whined, following him even though I was much taller than him. It was so cool. I could see way over my dad's head, haha!

Only we got to the living room and my Mom switched the light on.

"What are you guys doing? It's 11:30 at night. Honey, he should be in bed.

"Dear, we were just..."

"I had a bad dream. I mean, he did." Mom looked at me strange. "He did. Dad did. I mean, George did. Which is not me. I'm not George."

"George, so upstairs to your room. Now. Scoot," Mom shooshed Dad away upstairs. He gave me a look of desperation from the stairs and she ushered him up, then came back down to greet me.

"I appreciate you taking the time to comfort him after a nightmare but it's freezing outside, honey."

Honey? Oh boy. Barf.

"Oh. Sorry. Dear?"

"Just come to bed. We'll talk about it tomorrow."

I followed her helplessly. I got into bed and she insisted that I take off my jacket and I pretended like I was really tired. She took the jacket off and I managed to keep my dad's pants on. Which now that I look back on it was a good thing. She put her arms around my chest. Ugh. Gross. I had my dad's night shirt on that she had handed me and I could feel her hand press against my chest and my chest hair prickled and my beard was a weird feeling against dad's pillow. I wonder if he would be able to sleep as me. I fell fast asleep.

The alarm went off and I felt like doody. I really didn't want to get up. I had no energy at all. Ugh. Being an adult felt horrible!

I was basically in a daze. just walking around while Mom was off getting dad ready for school. For school? Oh no. No! It was at this very inconvenient moment I picked off a plastic penis off the floor and put it on the bed. Why did dad have a plastic penis? Grown ups are So. Weird.


I managed to get my shirt off and stumble around in a daze. I looked at myself in the mirror in daylight for the first time. This was really crazy. I looked just like my dad! I went into the living room to get the pieces of paper, but I couldn't find them. They must have fallen in the couch. Or somewhere under it. I put my shirt back on and found some jogging shorts of Dad's that at least covered up how big my penis had gotten now. And harder. Why was it hard?

"Dear, what are you doing? You need to be out of here in 30 minutes."

"For what?"

"Uh, for work?"

"Oh. I can't go to work. I'm sick."

"Yeah. Sure you are. Me too." Mom laughed.

Oh no. Oh no. Ohhhhh nooooooo.

Dad looked at me from my body as he ate cereal at the breakfast table and boy was he was furious.

"Hi, Daddy!" Brian said. And came over and hugged my leg.

"Ugh. Stop!"

"Daddy what's wrong?" Brian looked like he was going to cry. Oh, right. I'm his Daddy now.

"Dad, don't you think maybe you're just really tired?" Dad said in my body and mouthed quietly "BE NICE BE NICE TO YOUR BROTHER" and nodded down.

"Oh. Sorry, sweetie. Daddy's tired and he's got a big day ahead of him." I apologetically looked over to Dad.

"So, DAD. Have you fixed that PROBLEM YET?"

"No?"

"NO? It seemed like a really BIG problem that we should fix this morning."

"You're grownded still huh, George?" Brian said, his five year old smile growing suspiciously.

"Yes."

"No, he isn't. I UNGROUNDED him!" I said triumphantly.

"Dear, get some clothes on. Hurry. What is with you today?"

"Oh, dunno. Just...feeling...not myself." I shook my head. I went to the living room one more time to look for the slips of paper that I now desperately needed. Nope. Not there.

"What are you looking for?"

"I thought I dropped some cash last night," I said panicking.

"Get it later."

"Okay!"

"Mommy, why is George ungrownded?"

"He is grounded."

"I ungrounded him," I said quickly. "Long story. We had a really long talk about it, though." I dashed off to Dad's room. Oh god oh god oh god. I don't know how to tie a tie. I don't know anything about dad's work. Wait, where does dad even work?

I got a shirt on and chose the tie I liked best, which happened to be a Hawaiian shirt pattern with pineapples and papayas on it, because it was the coolest. Dad came into the room and shut the door and ran over.

"Why aren't we changed back yet!"

"I need the slips of paper. They had our names on them." Boy, talking in this rough adult voice actually made me feel sort of adult. "Hey, how do you tie a tie?"

"You are not wearing that!" Dad grabbed the tie and threw it in the closet. He snatched an ugly tie with plaid pink squares. Yuck. He fastened it around his neck and made the knot and then put it around me and tied it very quickly. "Where are they?"

"They were on us, they have to touch you so they have to be around the couch somewhere."

"Jesus H. Christ, kid," Dad said in my kid body. Then he dashed off. I got Dad's pants on. Did I need Dad's wallet? It was on his dresser. Wow, I can reach the dresser! Cool! I opened the wallet and noticed there was hundreds of dollars inside it! Wow! I mean, yes an adult like me would have money in his adult wallet, of course, of course. Dad rushed in.

"There were no papers."

"Hey, maybe I should go to work for you, it can't be that hard."

"Are you out of your MIND?"

"Duh, that's why I'm like six feet seven."

"It's six one, but I am flattered." Dad admitted.

"Okay, so what do we do? Mom won't believe that I'm sick, she's too smart."

"Okay, okay. We'll call an Uber. Say you have to run. Take the car keys. Go in the car. Pretend that you've tried to actually start the car and then come RIGHT back and say you have to call an Uber. Go." He fiddled with his phone and not mine while I did just like he said.

Only...when I got to the car I really felt it. I was a grown up. With a beard. And I was in the driver's seat. I smiled giddily to myself, and then I pictured myself dying in a car crash. Oh yeah. I don't know how to drive. Never mind. Stupid dad ruining my fun at being taller than him.

So long story short, Dad told me to do exactly as he said. He told me to drink some coffee (it was horrible but he deathglared me so I smiled and did) and comb my hair so I don't look like a bum.

Before I knew it the Uber was coming. Dad had my backpack and school clothes on and I was wearing a suit! I had to wear a suit jacket on top of my shirt and tie to complete the totally adult look I had going for me today.

"Hey wait, where are we going?" I asked.

"To wherever you got those papers."

"Oh right. Um. Yeah. I forget."

"No you don't. Listen to me you little shit!"

"Dad! You never let me use bad words! You shouldn't say that, besides it sounds weird coming from you. Hey, can I curse now?"

"NO. Alright. Fine. Neither of us will curse," Dad put on his pretend-happy voice. "So. DAD. Where did you get the body switching spell."

But I couldn't tell him it was Kyle because then what if he said I could never be friends with him again! He's my bestest buddy!

"Okay, promise you won't be mad."

"We are so far past that scenario."

"Okay, cool. Wait, is that good or bad?"

"TELL ME WHERE YOU GOT THE MAGIC TO SWITCH OUR BODIES!" Dad shouted, losing his patience with me, just as some middle aged woman was walking her dog past us, and looked at us through huge sunglasses.
"We're in a play," Dad told her. "Practice." The woman "ohed" and was off again.

"Okay, I have an idea. You can go to school and be me. Then..I'll go and get the magic spell and then we can switch back later after school is over."

"NO! No! And no! I have to go to work!"

"Okay, how about I go to work for you. Then you go to school. Then we meet up after and I can get the magic spell and THEN we switch back!" The Uber came. We got in the car. I suddenly realized adults have all the power. I had all the power!

"Valley Elementary School first for my son," I said smiling.

"Dad? Don't you mean your friend's house first?"

"No, son. We can do that later!" I gave him a friendly pat on the back. Dad tried to whisper pleas in my ear to change my mind. I whispered back "sorry" and then wore Dad's winning smile, which probably looked at him more like "oh my god I'm sorry and in so much trouble."

Dad must have been shitting himself.

"It's room 35."

"I know where it is," he mumbled back. He got out of the car and gave me a death glare. I waved goodbye cheerfully.

"OH hey wait, Dad!...uh...Dad needs a hug, son!" I got out and bent down to hug him. "Where do you work again?"

"McKee Enterprises. A subdivision of Ergonomics Unlimited, which is a subdivision of MorphCorps Dynamics."

"Wait, what?"

"Inside your wallet there's business cards with my name on them. Hand one of those to the driver and he'll take you right there. I'm in an office on the third floor. To the right. Room 316. Just do not speak to anyone and fake getting sick at work, okay Dad?" He clenched my cheek a little too tightly. Wow, I get to go to Dad's work! I'm going to be an adult today. I got back in the Uber car. Hey! Maybe if I stay Dad longer I can do some urban exploring and go to the abandoned train station I read about on the internet! There was also an abandoned mine and an abandoned theme park and a bunch of haunted houses that I'd always begged him to take me to but nooooooo it was always "I can only take you safe places because yooooou're just a kid!" Well, not now so take that Dad! And I mean it's not like I could possibly mess this up. I was totally smart and mature so I could pull off a day of being Dad. Or more. What was it he did again? Managed something? In an office? Oh well, I'd figure it out when I got there.

The Uber let me off and I walked around on the street. I was as tall as all the other adults! Or taller! Oh wait that one guy is taller than me. But I'm not the short kid looking up at all the adults! Cool! Oh wait I guess I should call Kyle and tell him I need more spell words on paper.


And then it suddenly hit me that I really wasn't sure what adults did. Would I have to do long division when I got to Dad's office? Oh man anything but long division. Oh no. What if it's harder than long division? Dad says everyone uses math in the real world!

I looked at Dad's big building. Okay, here I go. I'm going to totally be Dad. I hope I don't mess up or anything. Wait, what am I saying? I'm an adventurer! I can totally do this. I just hope Dad can survive fourth grade. I do have an awful lot of responsibilities there. He better not mess up my reputation.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

The Gender Genie

story


"Come on, motherfucker! You wanna fight? Let's fucking fight!"

"Yeah, come on!"

The two men scuffled and before he knew it, Lance was putting Steven in a headlock. The bar owner told them to break it up and take it outside, They smoked their cigarettes angrily and huffed their way outside. Lance swerved and pushed Steven forcefully against the wall.

"This is all your fault!"

"Fuck you, bitch!"

"Don't call me that unless you want me to knock your teeth in!"

A familiar laugh came up from behind them. A young, cute Japanese girl who made both their dicks hard.

"Enjoying yourselves?"

"Inari. You gotta change us back! I take back the wish!"

"Yeah, me too. Make us into chicks again!"

"Aww, ladies. Not having fun?"

"You call this having fun? Every chick I try to get with, I act like a fucking guy around them!"

"Yeah. We thought this would be easy."

"I'm a genie, retard. What the hell did you think I was going to do? When have you ever heard of a genie that makes life easy for someone? Duh. This is what you wished for. You wished to be a man so you could know what it was like because your boyfriend dumped you. And YOU wished to be a man because you didn't get that job with the construction company."

"Yeah but I wanted a job as a secretary. Not laying asphalt!"

"I don't think you'd look as pretty as the blonde they hired. Not with that face tattoo and prison record."

"Can't believe you fuckin' DID this!" Steven, once Stella, punched the wall and howled repeatedly in a drunken rage. "And this is his fault! He told you he was mad he didn't have any friends so you made me into a man!"

"So? You wished for it. A wish is a wish, bitch." Inari filed her nails carelessly and rolled her eyes.

"Yeah this ain't fair. We wanted like, to have good lives. I don't even talk good anymore. All the chicks I try to bang think I'm some dummy." Lance, once Leticia looked at her imploringly. Of course, Leticia had been pretty shitty to her ex. She had him buy jewelry and handbags and tried to get him wrapped around her little finger. Chastising him for not being neat enough, for not being clean shaven, for the way he left the bathroom. She had chased him away and then blamed him, when she should have blamed herself. The two women had known each other only casually but were introduced to each other as having the same problem by Inari when Lance was inexplicably drawn towards the construction site where Steven now worked and asked if he could apply for a job. Now they spent all day sweating their balls off. Before as Leticia, Lance had been able to get away with anything at the paralegal office he had worked in. Now he had to really earn his keep!

"Oh so they're treating you the way you used to treat men. Interesting." Inari studied him.

"You don't understand! I jack off every night thinking of women! I gotta get some fuckin' action!"

"Maybe I can help take the edge off of you two a little bit. If I promise to help you so you don't have that problem anymore, I'm not coming back."

"Yes, fine. Just make it better. Please," Lance said.

"My hand fuckin' hurts," Steven said. In his former life, just a few weeks ago, he had been hating all men for how they ran everything and loved to shout them down in public, berate them for all being sexist for ASSUMING she couldn't do what they could. Of course, she was a pampered little semi rich girl and her parents had finally cut her off after she reached the age of 27 and was still getting an allowance. Now she was finding out how hard it was to do hard MANual labor. She once berated a man for using that term because it had the word "man" in it and it degraded women to use it. Now she was dirty and filthy and smoked cigarettes like a lowlife. She had a gravelly voice and her new background was from a trailer park with no more college education. The genie had given her a terrible life as a man!

"Okay. But have you learned a lesson about how hard it is to have all that testosterone going through your body? It isn't easy, is it?" Lance and Steven both shook their heads. They wanted to fight frequently and got angry at the drop of a hat."I'll take away the worst parts of the wish. No more suffering. I promise. Have fun, boys."

Inari vanished.

"I don't feel any fuckin' different. I still feel like a dumb guy. Look at these fucking muscles. I'm betting I still have a dick, too." Lance patted his package.

"How big is that thing?"

"Big. It's real big, you got a fuckin' problem?" Lance said defensively.

"No. Just wanted to know if it was as big as mine," Steven bragged. "I got a pretty big dick."

"You wanna prove it?"

"Fuck you."

It was at that moment both men realized they were attracted to men again.

"You wanna come back to my place?"

"Fuck yeah. You thinking about gettin' naked, asshole?"

"Yeah, I am. Let's get you out of those clothes and into a nice hot shower."

The two men spent all night discovering how to pleasure each other's dicks. They never complained about being men again, though their lives were still incredibly hard in comparison to what they had been before.


The next day, Lance was still crossing his arms because it was weird to not have breasts. He thought of all he had that he had lost. But at least he had a lifetime of hot gay sex to look forward to...

Inari is a trickster and in particular one that loves for the time being to prey on women that wish to be men. We all have our thing in the transformation genie business. She's a friend of mine and I am such a fan of her work. I'm going through some of my favorite victims...er...that is to say beneficiaries of her continued work against the war on men on the part of clueless women.

Friday, June 9, 2017

The Town Where Age Went Crazy Part 5: Adjustments Still Being Made

More stories after the Incident concerning our test subjects. All of them are still adjusting to their new ages after a time warp broke through the town and changed the ages of all the males. We gave all the women in the town new memories and decided to further experiment with the men with some of our new brainwashing techniques. This research is helping us determine whether or not to use it in the future as a means of population control. We can now make an entire town gay. Who's to say we shouldn't use this technology on the entire country? Looking at various cases as they develop will help us to determine if this idea would work.



Case File ID #334 - Cory    and Case File ID #1,387 - Chad

Cory stood there, looking absolutely enormous. He was one of the biggest dudes in The Town now. Chad swallowed nervously and approached the gargantuan man. He wasn't nearly as big as he used to be. Before the Incident, he had been nearing his prime. Chad was 17 and on top of the world. Now he was back to looking like he was a scrawny 14 years old. It had been a long nightmare. His entire life had changed. Everyone in the town was a different age. Most of his friends were now much older men but a few had regressed to being little children. He hadn't made friends with anyone his "own age" yet. He was still getting used to walking around with his new smaller stature. He used to really strut his stuff. He walked with pride. You could smell how proud he was of his body.

For three years, he had completely bullied one of the school nerds. Cory had been 16 before and was not well into his 20s. Was he 25 now? 27? He wasn't sure. But Chad did know that when the boys and men in the town had changed, they had also taken on new attributes. Skinny guys had often become fat or muscular. Fat guys were now studs. And some muscular behemoths like him had shrunk to nothing. When he was 14 before he was almost the size of his father, who was now in his 70s and didn't like the fact he had a teenage son for life to take care of. He was much smaller now at 14 than the first time he was 14. It made him shiver how much smaller he was than other guys at school now. He remembered the things he used to do to Cory, who had been only a year younger than him but about 75 pounds lighter. He would shove him down in the hallway. He would get even with him for showing him up in class. He would spread rumors about him being gay. He would shove him into walls. And steal from him. He stole clothes from him right off the little nerd's back! Little nerd would try and fight back and he would just laugh. It was pathetic how much smaller Cory had been. Pathetic. Made him hard how much smaller the little nerd was. He helped himself to the little nerd's lunches when he wanted. It was like being in prison for young little Cory. Every day had been one more trip to hell, and he was a nervous wreck.

Chad didn't care, though. And now he was standing before Cory, trying to look at him without hate, but rather looked up at him the way a little brother looks up at his big brother. With deference, respect and affection. And a look that said "please be nice to me". A pathetic look.

"H-h-hi Cory," he stuttered.

"What's up, FAGGOT?" Cory asked forcefully. His voice was full of power and confidence.

"I..I brought you what you asked for," Chad said, handing over the backpack full of his old underwear that didn't fit anymore.

"Excellent. And why are you giving me all your jock straps, FAGGOT?"

"Be-be-because I'm not a real man anymore like you are, sir."

"That's right. You have my money, bitch?"

"B-b-but this is all the money I have left, Cory!" God, his voice sounded so girly and whiny.

"Too fucking bad. That's your insurance money. You give me all your savings and I don't make sure anything real BAD happens to your tiny little ass. Except for when I decide to take what's MINE."

Cory started pawing Chad. He considered Chad to practically be his property now. No one really batted an eye because no one was around. Cory held Chad to him. Chad could feel the enormous man's sheath bulging against his thin little back. Cory's dick was now probably about as thick as Chad's arms were! That's how much more powerful the MAN was that he had used to torment.
As he stroked his former bully, Cory rumbled.

"Yeah. You're gonna suck me off now. Get inside. You'll suck me off in a bathroom stall before I drive myself over to the gym. Come on," he commanded. He didn't have to speak even very forcefully. His voice commanded respect. Cory's voice was deep, deeper than Chad's had ever been. He was completely enamored now with the giant that led the way, and he stared up at the massive back of his new "owner" for lack of any better word. That's how things had developed and they had developed quickly. He didn't even want to tell anyone. He was ashamed but he enjoyed it. He enjoyed being told what to do by Cory. He deserved it. Something had changed his mind somehow. He thought maybe Cory had requested that the government scientists change him to become his little bitch. Because he was now completely different. Chad had transformed into Cory's servile domestic servant. He jumped at the opportunity to make the big guy happy.

Sucking his cock all the way was impossible now. He had to just put the large man's fuck club in his mouth as much as he could but he couldn't suck much more than the mushroom head that forced its way inevitably down to choke the smaller teen's throat until he gagged. And as he swung his arms around with tears streaming down he silently begged for it to stop and go on forever at the same time.

Cory just smiled. What a small little bitch, he thought. No wonder Chad used to get off on bullying him around all the time. Well, now the world was his. He was a fucking huge bodybuilder stud and Chad was just his suck slave. Of course he had asked for a few adjustments to be made after making his case to a very sympathetic scientist working on brainwashing the entire town so no one ever talked about everyone randomly changing ages and appearance.

All in all, it was the best thing that could have happened to him. He was on top of the world in that stall, watching a smaller man desperately fight for air as he filled his mouth and throat with his now bigger-than-life dick.




Case File ID #550 and Case File ID #277  Kevin and Gil

"Oh yeah. You like that, doncha? You like sucking on my big COP DICK, huh? Fuck yeah. FUuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!" Kevin came inside Gil's throat. "Now what do you say, faggot?"

"Thank you, Sir. Thank you for the pleasure of your cock, Sir."

"You're welcome you scrawny little shit! Now go home and make me dinner. When I come home I expect steak on the table!" he said smacking the much smaller man on the ass.

"Yes, Sir!"

Kevin hadn't always been a cop. But the government knew he really wanted it. He had grown up in a very bad way. His older brother had been raising him since both his mother was dead and father was in jail. Trailer park trash, all the way. Now he had his own house assigned to him. He had a new life and a new identity. As far as his family were concerned, he had never existed. They had started to tell people that loved ones had died but many had also been told to just forget their loved ones existed. It made things easier. His brother had been a bit of a bad boy, though. Pumped up on drugs, Gil had often come home and beat Kevin senseless.

It's funny how things change quickly, Kevin thought. Gil was just Kevin's prissy little housewife now. He even had Gil wear women's clothing around the house to demonstrate exactly how far he had fallen and how less of a man he was now. Kevin prided himself on his new, much older body. He had no problems exerting authority now. It was a completely new world for both of them.

"And pick up some groceries on your way back, bitch."

"Yes, Sir."

"And Gil?"

"Yes, Sir?"

He smacked his brother. "That's not your name."

"No, Sir."

"What's your name?"

"When we're alone, my name is Bitch, Sir."

"Get the fuck out of my sight, Bitch."

Gil did so and Kevin smiled to himself. He could really get used to this new life. It was like a dream come true for him! Probably a nightmare for Gil but he could live with that, he thought, as he started to go through his daily report.







Case File # 445 - Luke,   Case File #1,001 - Nick,   Case File #634 - Jimmy

Well my name is Luke. It used to be something else but it got changed. Now it feels like I always have been Luke. It was such a shock when everything changed. I was playing baseball with my friends and came home late by like an hour. My daddy was so sore. His name is Nick now, by the way. So anyway, Daddy grounded me and I didn't think it was fair at all. He yelled and yelled. I was miserable that night and wished I didn't have to be grounded. And then I woke up the next morning and I was bigger than my bed. And then I heard this scream and I thought it was one of my friends. This kid came in and I sat up and he screamed again.

"Who are you? What's wrong? What's wrong with my voice?" I said. It felt like something had changed in my voice. It was so gravelly. I didn't feel sick, though. The kid was only 7 years old or so and he was dressed in an oversized shirt. It was so crazy. I stood up and I knew I'd be taller than the kid and realized it was still off. I was taller than I should be...And my pajama bottoms were killing me. I took them off because they were stuck! I couldn't even get them off at first, and stood there hopping up and down trying to get them off. I picked up some underwear and put them on over my big hairy bush. I had a huge amount of pubic hair now and was thinking I might be dreaming. The underwear were very tight on me. I wandered in a daze over to the bathroom while dad was freaking out.

It didn't take me long to figure out I'd aged about 20 years in one night. And my father had gone down in about as many years. I had been 12 and now I was old enough to be my own father, if he had stayed his own age. Anyway, dad was screaming obscenities. It didn't sound good coming from a 7 year old. I stood there just staring at myself thinking it was my fault. I had wished to be grown up so I didn't have to do what he said. I think I was honestly so in shock I didn't even notice him going through my room looking for clothes that fit because the next thing I knew he was in one of my old shirts that didn't fit me anymore. Now it really wouldn't fit me. He told me sternly in his little boy voice to put some clothes on. I wandered back into my room and started to put on my clothes but the jeans didn't fit me. They were mini jeans now!

"They don't fit! Dad, my clothes don't fit!"

"Of course they don't fit, you idiot! You're gigantic now! How the hell did this happen! What did you do!"

"I didn't do anything! Stop blaming me!"

"I swear to God I'm going to bust your motherfucking hyde!"

"Oh yeah? How? You're way smaller than me now in case you forgot...DUMBASS!"

Dad was really surprised and so was I. I had never been brave enough to stand up to him before and it felt good. I giggled. I actually did it. I wasn't afraid of him like this. He was so small!

Then he kicked me as hard as he could in the leg. I howled and he ran off after I tried to catch him. I was pretty angry and chased him in my underwear all over the house. I finally caught him downstairs and the rush of it really...I was new to being an adult so I shook him and yelled "Why did you do that! Why do you always get physical with people! You shouldn't fight!" I turned him around and he squirmed as I got a hold of him and angrily started to spank his ass. Three times. "You want another one, Dad? Go right ahead. MAKE my day!" I yelled at him. I felt so powerful for the first time and then he started crying and I felt immediately horrible. "I'm...I'm sorry dad I haven't been bigger than you for very long and-"

"Just shut up. This is a bad dream. I need to wake up!"

I got some clothes on in his room. They were the only clothes that would fit. I came back downstairs and Dad forbid me from going outside but I just ignored him because it was clear he couldn't do anything to stop me. I noticed right off that several men I didn't recognize were wandering around the neighborhood and a bunch of vans were outside with guys in hazmat suits...

They told me dad would be fine but he had to stay a child until they figured out a way to make him older and they couldn't turn me back. Which is fine with me because I didn't hate school but I didn't love it, either. I asked them if I could just get a job in town and they said yes.

I put on MY new cowboy hat and jean jacket and told Dad that he was no longer Dad. They gave me a crash course on adulthood. GED stuff. How to fix a car. How to drive. How to do taxes. How sex worked, both gay and straight. The entire town was now gay. What the hell those scientists were doing was beyond me but whatever. As long as I don't say anything, I get to be dad and my dad can be a kid again. Anyway. I own a store with my friend Jimmy and he's a grown up too now but he was in school with me. We both grew up and we both found out when they gave us a cigar store that we really, really liked smoking!



This is me now. I'm just sampling the products. I have to make sure everything tastes okay for the customers! And everyone in town is now a cigar or pipe smoker! I think they are doing something with our minds but we don't age or get harmed by diseases according to the scientists so I'm pretty cool with it.




"What do you think? Pretty nice box, huh? How bout I set you up with a box?" Jimmy said. Jimmy always wears suits. He really loves to dress up while I like to wear my daddy's cowboy duds.
All the kids who are now grown ups now love to come in to try cigars and they are all really excited to take up smoking.

"I love this, man. I hope I never have to go back to being a kid. Hey, how's your dad doing? I mean...you know, your son. Sorry, this takes a while to get used to," Jimmy said, adjusting his lapel and puffing his cigar.

"He's getting used to it. I think he'll be okay," I told him.

But really, I was still having problems. Dad was still acting up. They made him act less like a grown up but he was still acting out. He wouldn't do what I told him to do. He would dump his cereal on the floor and throw tantrums. It was getting really embarrassing. I was trying to be patient but he was enraged that he was no longer a parent.



"Hey there, boy. You and I need to have a talk."

"I'm not a boy! I'm a tall man!" my new son Nick said.

"Doesn't look like you're very tall to me," I said patiently. I chomped on my cigar but didn't light it. I held it in my hands. It was a total habit now and it comforted me. "We have to talk about you following what I say. You are the little boy in this house and I'm the older adult. So you have to stop throwing tantrums."

"I can do what I want!"

"Do you want me to spank you again?" He didn't answer. "LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW, YOUNG MAN." He finally did so. He looked like he was going to cry. "Now I don't want to punish you but I will. I want you to knock this nonsense off and do as I say from now on, or we're gonna have trouble. I will ground you if you disobey me again and I will spank you. Now are you gonna be nice? Are you gonna be a good little boy?"

He pouted but relented. "Yes."

"Yes, what?"

"Yes, sir."

I breathed a sigh of relief. Being a parent was going to be a lot easier this way. I needed a cigar break. I went outside and lit it up, and breathed in the wonderful aroma. The more I thought about it, the more I thought it was a good thing it had all turned out this way. Dad would go back to second grade and I would start dating my best friend and somehow everyone would be happy. I smiled. Maybe the age changing time experiment gone wrong was the best thing that could have happened to us...