Tuesday, April 8, 2014

April Fool's Day: 1985 - The Radically Big Dance



It was the big dance for Arlene and Sid. The school had decided to make it spring themed and April Fool's Day themed at the same time. The two were not the most popular students, or athletic, but they were certainly in for a surprise. One of their favorite teachers, Mr. April, had taken their Math League all the way to the State finals! They could even win the Math League nationals if they worked hard enough. And Arlene and Sid were its stars. They were the darlings of the academic world of a high school that valued big muscles and surfing more than anything.

True, they didn't get picked on that much. But they didn't mingle a whole lot, either. They just didn't have time with all their studies. Mr. April cornered them on the dance floor and offered them some special punch. He called it "Faerie Brew" and told them it was an old recipe from Shakespeare's time.

"Oooh, how educational!" Arlene said.

"Gotta love a combination of beverage and Shakespeare."

"Let's make a toast," Mr. April began. "To the Math League. To you two. To...dreams. What are your dreams?"

"You mean our Midsummer Night's Dreams?" Arlene snorted. "Well sir, I suppose I dream of being a dentist one day. And maybe to have better looks by the time I graduate college."

"Arlene, I think you look beautiful," Sid said.

"What about you, young man? If you could give a wish to the Faeries?"

"Well, I suppose it would be for us to with the Math League."

"And what else? Wouldn't you like to be as big as the jocks who make fun of you?"

"I don't care what other people think. But...I suppose so. I try not to think about it but I'd be scared to go in a gym."

"Well I think both of you will blossom in no time. It happens more often than you think. By the time graduation comes the two of you won't even recognize each other. I'm so proud of you both. Here's to you!" Mr. April clinked his punch glass against theirs and they drank.

"Mmmm, that's so...rich! There's no alcohol in this, right?''

"Oh of course not. Just...some flowers and uh, some magic. Good night, you two."

Arlene and Sid drank their punch and then went back to the dance floor. They were rarely allowed to let their hair down and party so this was a rare treat.

"Boy I sure am getting sweaty!" Sid said.

"Maybe we should sit down." Arlene said, concerned. "I'm feeling flush, myself."

As the two geeks sat down, Sid heard a rip.

"Oh no, my pants! They're so tight! They ripped somewhere."

"Oh well...maybe no one will see. Let's just try and enjoy the party. Oh my. Did you get the right size suit, Sid? It looks so small on you."

"No...I don't think so. Ow! It's so tight, though! Maybe it shrunk."

"Between what time? You didn't wash it between when we first got here and now. Which scientifically means that...it's your body. Take off the suit jacket. Let me examine you." She looked at his arms as he did so. "Oh my. Your arms are bigger! Not much but look at the outline. It's definitely enhanced since yesterday."

"This is not scientifically feasible."

"Scientifically we must conclude there was some kind of enhancement but I am unsure as to how. Were you physically exerting yourself at any point?"

"Me? I barely even know how to do a push up."

"I'm feeling very flush. Perhaps we are ill and the swelling is a symptom. If so we should proceed to procure medical assistance."

"Well said. Let's go. Ow!" Sid had to hobble as his pants had rushed up his leg suddenly, too short for them. His shoes were throbbing.

The two got as far as parking lot when Sid had an idea. "Perhaps we should change in the locker room. I have extra clothes in my locker. They are gym clothes so they should be more comfortable."

"I think I'll do the same. It's just logical. We should not be in discomfort any more than possible."

The two rushed to the gym, and they went to their separate locker rooms.

Inside, Sid took off his nice shirt and tie and the pants and shoes which were killing him. He looked in the mirror and was stunned.




"No way! Radical! I have muscles!" He began posing. This was the strangest medical disease he could think of.

Meanwhile, in her locker room, Arlene realized she didn't need glasses suddenly. And her skin seemed to have cleared up as if by...magic.

"Very odd indeed!" she said as she looked in the mirror at herself, and saw her hair almost melt into straighter, more golden shiny locks.

The two ran out into the hallway and caught each other, blubbering their own observations.

"My God, you look incredible!" Arlene said.

"You too! This is so rad. I mean...can you believe it?"

The two were now wearing gym clothes and decided to just go home to Sid's place. They couldn't believe their luck. Sid's parents were not at home but Sid's older brother Dave was. 


"What happened to you?"

"Some drunk asshole punched me at work. I told him he couldn't push people around on the skating rink and the next thing I know the fucker is calling me a pussy and challenging me to a fight. It hurts so bad."

"Oh man I'm sorry, Dave." Dave still had not looked at his brother to witness the amazing transformation he had undergone.

"Hey doofus. One more thing. Don't let me catch you using my Betamax player and holy shit! What the hell happened to you two!"

As they began to explain everything that happened to them, Sid held his stomach in pain. When it was over, he lifted his shirt and saw that his abdominal muscles had increased in size.

"No fuckin' way! How the hell did you do that?"

"I believe I have a theory." Arlene decided. "The punch. It must have been the punch. Mr. April provided us with clues. This is obviously a chemical reaction. But I don't believe it's dangerous."

"I can't see. Everything's blurry! Ahhhh!" Sid panicked.

"Take off your glasses." she encouraged him.

He did so and blinked. "I...don't need glasses. This is so odd!"

"No way this is far out you guys. Hey. Look at his arms!"

Sid's arms became flush and deepened to a tan color.

"Weird. So weird. But this feels amazing!" Sid said. "The percentage of body fat has obviously transferred to become muscle. But since mass obviously cannot just leap onto my frame I think it's over with AHHHHH!"

Before them, Sid doubled over and them proceeded to shiver and explode. His delts, his calves, his back, his pectorals, his arms especially though quivered and expanded just like on the Incredible Hulk.

By the time it was over with they had to examine Sid's new body as he flexed incredulously.

"What the fuck are we gonna tell mom and dad!" Dave cried.

"Who cares? We'll tell them something." Sid flexed.

Dave got on the rotary phone and called his best friend. "Dude you're not going to believe this but Sid has like, gotten huge."

"I know man. He started bodybuilding like a year ago. It's still annoying he's bigger than the both of us. Hey I gotta run. We're all going to go roller skating. Have a gnarly night, man."

"Uh...yeah. Okay." Dave hung up. "Things just got weirder."

After they called several people, it was clear reality had changed. Judging from the pictures on the wall, which included a new and improved Sid and Arlene, it was clear that something was definitely changed, but only the three of them remembered.

"I gotta get a picture of this." Dave said. Sid and Arlene posed.



"You're not angry, right? I mean, you are still my big brother and all." Dave had always been a good bit brother and had never taken advantage of Sid's weakness and had always been his greatest defender at school. The two were very inseparable and Dave always felt like a third parent. He was almost a college graduate but Sid felt a pang of guilt over now being so much bigger than Dave.

"Whatever. Just get me some of that punch! Let's go to the dance you guys!"

"Wow! I didn't even think of that!"

"The scientific potential alone for experimentation!" Arlene said.

They rushed back to school. Most of the kids were leaving but they got to the punch table just as the party club was taking down decorations.

"Look! There's the bottle! He put it behind these boxes so no one would find it I bet."

"Quick! Let me drink it dude!"

 Dave drank the entire bottle.

"How do you feel?" Arlene asked.

"Never better!" Dave then passed out. After he woke up he felt blurry and realized he was at home. He had slept on the couch. There was a note on the living room table.

"Dear Dave.

Went to school. I have gym to hit as well as math league. So busy, man. You know how it is. I don't think you'll have a problem with guys giving you any problems at work anymore. :)

Sid"

"OH MY GOD!"

That day, Dave tested out his new body by running around the block a few times. He had never felt this good before in his life!


 God, it felt great! Every part of his body felt so alive and pumped!

A car honked. It was a girl he didn't know.

"Hey man. I just wanted to let you know we appreciate what you did last night. That bully at the rink? Totally not cool what he was doing. You were such a stud when you caught his fist and showed him out in a headlock."

"Yeah," her friend said. "It was totally righteous and totally bitchin'. We have our eye on you."

"Here's both our phone numbers. Call us, anytime."

The two girls drove off.

"Totally," he said, disbelieving the reality shift.

Meanwhile, back at the high school, Arlene and Sid couldn't believe how magnetic they'd become. They were still in Math League but everyone respected them for it! Everyone wanted tips from Sid and the table he sat at was crowded with cool kids and also math geeks. The school had become a lot more inclusive of who it thought was cool since their own popularity changed people's opinions quite a bit.

Sid especially loved how other guys were always looking at his muscles with respect or awe as he walked down the halls, barely able to contain his joy. Until he found out Mr. April had left suddenly to go to Hawaii. Something about teaching surfing.

"That is so not radical."

"Oh, but I think I expected this. It seems Mr. April is powerful in the laws of physics if he can change people's memories. We'll have to think more on the possible theories but for now, how about we take your muscles for a test drive..." Arlene grabbed a surprised Sid and pulled him into the janitor's closet. The janitor's closet had never been cooler than that day. 

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